This baby is not mine!
by Hafous
Summary: Shinji finds a little baby girl. Everybody is convinced that it's his.Hiyori is totally pissed off.  Will the two be able to take of the poor baby? Read and find out!
1. Chapter 1

**.:This Baby Is Not Mine!:.**

**Author Note:**

What are you going to read now is me trying to be funny!

I don't know if it worked, but at least I hope it could keep you entertained for a while

* * *

Hirako Shinji was walking aimlessly, hands in pocket, while wearing his usual smirk.

Humming one of his favorite Jazz songs as a sharp sound pierced his musical ears, looking around for the source of the sound that he determined was actually a baby's crying, his eyes finally made contact with a pair of a very big and teary Chocolate brown eyes.

Looking at the poor little thing, Shinji felt somehow responsible, picking it up from the basket he was placed in, trying his best to hush him down.

The baby wouldn't stop crying, holding him with one hand near his chest, then bending to grab the basket.

Shinji found a letter.

_To whom ever find this baby girl,_

_Please take care of her._

His eyes bugged out, how could a mother leave such an adorable helpless thing out in the cold like this?

Shinji thought for a moment, deciding that if he brought this baby home, many questions will be asked.

And Hiyori would simply kill him.

Shrugging at the mental image he just gave himself, Shinji decided to hand this baby over to the Police Station.

It wasn't his fault that her own mother abandoned her, was it?

Realizing that it was quit now, Shinji took a look at the now sleeping face of this little baby girl.

Tiny hands clutching his shirt, while a soothing low sound of breathing traveled to his ear.

Shinji knew that he was in trouble.

-.-.-

Looking at his clock, reading 10 am, while remembering that this was a Friday night, Shinji knew that the gang tented to play cards in one of their rooms up stairs.

If he entered without a sound, and didn't bump into anyone, he might be able of saving himself a lot of trouble, at least for a while.

Turning the door knob slowly, tip toeing inside the house.

Shinji's eyes traveled this living room, releasing a big sigh of relief when he saw no one was their.

Especially Hiyori.

Glancing at the little angle sleeping in his arms, then smiling so sweetly. Shinji prayed to whom ever was their up in the sky not to get caught while he made his way to his room.

Walking so steadily up the stairs, Shinji heard some loud laughing noises coming from up stairs, feeling overjoyed cause his guessing was right. He walked to slowly, when I loud piercing hitched laugh broke from Mashiro's lips.

"Waaaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" the baby started crying her heart out after being woken up, while inviting all the room residence into the big hall that Shinji was know standing in, frozen.

"Yo.." was all that could leave Shinji's twitching lips.

Silence flew in the air until Mashiro spoke, clutching on Kinse's shirt.

"Ano… is that a baby?" walking towards Shinji and looking at the little crying baby.

"I wanna hold it. It's just so cute! Looks like a girl, kya!" Mashiro exclaimed in her cheerful tone, somehow breaking the awkward silence.

Dancing around Shinji in circles, the baby stopped crying and a very sweet laughing sound left her little lips, apparently Mashiro's movements entertained her.

"You've finally done it Shinji, but an illegitimate child is something else." Kensei finally spoke his mind.

"I-it's not like that… it's-" Shinji desperately trying to defend his innocent self, only for everybody to roll their eyes at him.

"Yeah, yeah… you just found it in the street, just spill it out Shinji, who is this poor women who you got pregnant and ran away from?" love's words were apparently what everyone was thinking.

"As I was about to tell you-" panicking, his face almost blue.

Trying to speak his words while being interpreted again.

"Save it Shinji, it's just too obvious," now Lisa had participated in decreasing Shinji's honor along with the rest.

Walking towards where he was standing, Mashiro still dancing for the giggling little baby.

Smoothing the little baby's silky blond hair that looked exactly like Shinji's.

"The color of her hair says it all, beside look at those eyes."

"EXACTLY!" Shinji was now pissed off.

"Her eyes are fucking brown, mine are hazel!" glaring at them all, thinking that he had won this fight.

"Still she got your hair, man." Rojuro stated as a matter if a fact.

"Her eyes might have come from her mother. Can't you remember if you screwed a brown-eyed women Shinji? Man, that's below low. Even for you."

Shinji expected this reaction, but this was way too much.

"Well, you can do what ever you want. It's none of my business." kensei blurted yawing, as he headed towards his room.

"Keep it, through it. Do what ever you like, am beat. Night." Love left as well.

"If I hear a single weeping sound, your life is mine! Got that you playboy?" Glaring at him for a moment as she scared the living shit out of him, Lisa strode to her room.

"Isn't she lovely, you sweet little poor thing, having such a useless man as a father!" Rojuro's little pinky now being grabbed by the little baby's hand, as he spoke sweetly to her.

After that he left along side with Hachi who remind silent for the whole time.

Mashiro apparently was now is kensei 's room, annoying him to no end.

Shinji let a big sigh, feeling like the storm has finally passed, tough no body even listened to his story.

Was he that much of a pervert? Shinji wondered.

Looking at the smiling face, in his arms that let out small inaudible sounds, Shinji somehow felt like this might have been worth it after all.

But wait, Something wasn't right, he was still a life.

Heart beating and all, all organs intact.

He could feel a deadly aura around him. Swallowing hard, Shinji felt that his life was in grave danger.

Looking around carefully, a pair of hazel and VERY angry eyes was about to make holes in his body, as Hiyori stared right into his scared eyes.

"H-Hiyori….. it's not like what you think…" if he was going to be killed, at least let him clean his name first.

"Hmpf…" a puff of air left her nose as she turned around walking away.

"If this little piece of shit made one sound, she's dead!" saying her threaten words so calmly, Shinji shivered holding the sweet little angel closer to his chest.

Shinji was now exhausted.

Walking to his room slowly, he opened the door gently and walked into the darkness that engulfed him.

* * *

Poor Shinji~

If you reviewed you will get a next chapter XD

Which is gonna be about Shinji and Hiyori trying to take care of the baby, what's gonna happen?

Will the poor thing survive?

or will Hiyori simply through her out of the window?

Till next chapter, see you ^^

**Hafous**


	2. chapter 2

**.:This Baby Is Not Mine!:.**

**Author Note:**

Though I wrote the first chapter of this story on a whim, I noticed that so many liked it so am gonna take this story seriously now!

Thanks for all the sweet reviews; you are all really awesome~

Thanks also for the best Beta-reader ever Cheesyfreezy who helped me with this, she also wrote the last paragraph or so...

* * *

Waking up early was a thing no one who lived in this house was used to.

Hiyori opened her half asleep hazel eyes, as her very sensitive ears picked a new strange sound, the chirping of the morning birds outside no longer had the effect of disturbing her sleep.

Picking up her Zanpaktou, all senses fixed solely on finding the source of this annoying and very irritating sound, then proceeding onto exterminating it completely.

Walking confidently across the hall while the coldness of the wooden floor kissed her bare feet, Hiyori paid no mind to the freezing sensation creeping up her spine.

She would find whoever dared to agitate her _'beauty' _sleep and make sure they never wake up for the next few days or so.

Hiyori grinned deviously, her mind already picturing the target, images of its beaten and mangled question-marked face flashing in her drowsy mind, making her brighten up somehow. She would simply wash that dense smirk off those revolting features.

Hiyori felt eccentric as this strange sound traveled to her ears once again, she just wasn't able to identify it.

Feeling victorious, a smile crept up her lips, as she stopped walking now, her feet led her to Shinji's room.

Her slender fingers circled the door-knob, turning it slowly and entering the room.

Her eyes were now no longer half opened as they winded in surprise, for there stood Shinji over a small cradled stuff that her drowsy conscious later recognized was a baby.

A flashback of last night's events played in her mind, her legs backed a little remembering all the rage she wanted to befall upon this baldy.

Apparently- Shinji now has a freakin' baby. She almost forgot.

Almost as if he sensed her, he sighed as he lift the small blanketed infant, stroking her small head a little before heading towards the door, seemingly not caring –as he usually would- that she barged into his room like that.

Suppressing a snort at his expense, Hiyori had to admit that what she was seeing now was quite funny, if not hilarious.

The almighty leader of the Vizards and the ex-captain of the 13th was now standing in front of her with his _beloved_ hair all tangled and messy, shirt wrinkled with a few buttons opened here and there. Hiyori also noticed the few unidentified stains that decorated his clothing, his eyes dull with black bags under them.

And small hands reaching to pull at his hair.

Hiyori could not keep quiet anymore, as Shinji wasn't even able to feel her presence. She cracked her lips open and her laughing filled the household, tears started forming at the corner of her shut eyes, hands already grabbing at her poor stomach.

Shinji looked her way, not the slightest bit amused, the tot girl he thought was an angle already fidgeting in his arms.

He felt like dying again, he finally was able to make her sleep and now this stupid pig-tailed woman had barged in so noisily, waking up this little devil that they call a baby.

Roaming the room with his barley seeing eyes, Shinji would find his Zanpaktou and kill Hiyori right this moment, only if he wasn't already beaten up.

"Hiyori, just shut the fuck up! You've woken her up! I've been trying for ages to get her to sleep!" even his voice was drained; Hiyori couldn't contain a stifle at the sight of his serious face.

"Why the hell should I care baldy? She's _yer _responsibility, you know? Yer duty to shut her up for all good's sake. I was coming to kill her as promised for irritating my sleep, but your sight was worth it" she bit back, snorting at the last sentence, "I'm starting to like this kid." Hiyori felt happiness, as some love began to form toward this creature and its abilities to make Shinji break down.

His gaze locked with Hiyori's as he shot her a deadly glare, making the tot release small frowning sounds. Hiyori smiled teasingly.

"Shhh, sweetie, or the pig monster will come and eat ya~" Shinji cooed sweetly in the infant's ear, loud enough to make Hiyori hear as he rocked the baby in his arms.

"What's wrong with her anyway?" Hiyori started walking towards them, trying not to fall while evading the mess that hugged the floor.

"If I fuckin' knew would I be looking like a trash-can exploded in my face? I've already tried many things, but none seemed to work!" Shinji sounded desperate. Hiyori thought that waking up early for once today might be worth it after all; it's not every day she could see Shinji suffering like this. She would enjoy this to the max.

"Ew! Shinji you smell awful. God, who died in here?" Hiyori wrinkled her nose as she stood right next to him now.

"Really? I kinda lost all my senses after midnight" sniffing himself then sniffing the little baby, Shinji's face turned into something of disgusted horror as he held the baby away towards Hiyori.

"Keep it away from me, Shinji!" Hiyori backed away as he started running after her.

"Just wait a minute!" Hiyori stopped and so did Shinji.

"I think she needs a change; I once saw it in a movie. We need to get diapers!" Hiyori felt proud as she thought of this brilliant idea.

"Now I see!" forcing the baby into Hiyori's opened arms, yanking his winter long coat from the holder. Shinji ran his slim fingers through his hair while he ran like the wind reaching the front door in a hast, his form already a blur in Hiyori's confused state of mind.

"Take care of Haru-chan while I'm away!" his voice traveled the space separating the two as Hiyori stood dumfounded.

One, two, thr-

"SHINJIIIIIIIIIII!" her cry of annoyance could be heard approximately 483 miles ahead.

The infant started to sob uncontrollably, making Hiyori flinch and stiffen in complete loss.

_'Mashiro? No no, not healthy. Lisa? ... Just no. Hachi? Hachi!'_ Hiyori quickly voted her options as she started for Hachi's room, holding the infant at arm's length.

Barging into his room, she found no one. Slightly scared –and highly irritated with the loud high-pitched cries- she dropped the whole idea, and a glance at the poor thing in her hands made her decide to deal with it herself.

Sighing, Hiyori headed for her room, rocking the little girl slowly while whispering sweet nothing to make her quiet down, and it worked.

_'You're mine, Shinji; I'll torture you to Hell and back.'_ She thought furiously, as she was now trying to keep her stomach in place while removing the dirty diaper.

'First, I'll plug out his nails and add salt to the wounds, and then I'll use a hammer to make flour out of his bones. Should I also spray pepper in hi-'

"-nghhee~ aghuuu~" Hiyori's murderous train of thoughts was cut off by small squealing noises emitting from the little girl who found sudden interest in Hiyori's pigtails.

Staring in wonder at big pools of dark brown, Hiyori couldn't help feeling small rasps of rupture to shock through her as the infant was finally pleased and peaceful. So she needed to clean her up, put on a new piece of cotton –until she kicked Shinji's ass for not getting diapers- and it's all done.

Yup, Hiyori wore her determination on: she may not have motherly behaviors; but in no way would she let something as insignificant to break her down like with the idiot…

"Quiet, we need to get you cleaned, Haru…" Hiyori felt alien, as her low tone was rarely used; her sweet one was practically never used. And she used them both in that sentence.

_'Hmm, Haru? Maybe that's the mother's name…?'_

_Two hours later_

_

* * *

_Is this kind of a cliff hanger? am gonna go with that XD

wait for Shinji's return next chapter, something really funny will happen!

Thanks for reading, reviews are well loved~

_**Hafous**_


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